Tinder Guru

I’ve lost all hope in Tinder.


Look, I never expected to meet the next great love of my life on it, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was hoping for at least a good date or two. It seems, though, that Tinder has now devolved into a place where men swipe right on every girl, send messages of emoticons for ass slapping (like, not even using words), then get pissy when a girl says she doesn’t want to go over to their place to have sex at 2pm on a Sunday.

I’m not trying to be a prude, but I’m legitimately curious as to how many women this works on. First, no matter how much I’m in the mood for a bang, if you can’t even finish words like “u r”, then I’m going to assume there are other things you can’t finish properly either CATCH MY DRIFT? Second, offer to meet me in a public place first. Like, come on. Women are being dragged off the street by men who hold hacksaws to their throats, and you’re expecting me to go to your place for sex that I don’t even know is going to be good? 1- that’s not safe, and 2- bad sex is the worst.

Maybe I am a prude, though. I know men who were/are on Grindr who would go to a stranger’s place for 30 minutes of banging and who weren’t worried about it. Maybe it’s a male/female thing? Maybe I feel too much? I really don’t think I’m being crazy by saying I at least want to know a guy for an hour before going to their place, and I think the majority of women would feel the same way. Casual sex with someone you’ve known a couple hours? Sure! Casual sex where all you have is an address and a couple photos he selected? Ehnnn.

I fell down a rabbit hole and ended up on this gem of a website, Tinder Guru. It has the feel of something that was written by a 22 year old guy living in his parent’s house in Brampton. Here are some quotes:

“Always swipe yes. My system is easy: swipe yes continuously to simply save time. Wasting time going through profiles is a bad idea, if she matches with you then and only then do you screen her and unmatch her if she’s no good to you.”

“Keep your list of matches clean and only showing bangable girls.”

“Do not message her right away. Girls who will message you first are often DTF so wait a few hours but less than a day before sending her a message.”

“You are the prize, your [sic] evaluating her as a potential bang”

There are many more gems in there, including great stuff about how he’s a pickup artist and really gets off on “negging”. I encourage all of you to check it out and read the first post (it’s just 3 posts long, so I’m assuming the Guru has found too much DTF pussy to continue writing).

So I really have lost all hope on Tinder, and maybe in online dating in general. I never really thought it was something too serious but, as I said, I was hoping I’d swipe right on a decent person once or twice. Maybe I shouldn’t admit that? Going forward, I suppose I’ll think of it as an interesting look into stranger’s lives, and another app I can waste time on while waiting for a friend. Maybe it’s time to delete all my online dating accounts and actually leave the house once in a while. Or maybe I’ll just put a bunch of boob pics up and mess around with people.

The guy who sent me the ass slapping emoticon unmatched me, by the way. I think my questions and actual functioning brain turned him off. Too bad.


One thought on “Tinder Guru

  1. zemnickisgreen says:

    OMG. That guy contacted me too!! We said a handful of things to each other and then he just kept sending me that ridiculous emoticon. UGH… That guy is such a-hole.

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