Five Dollar Footlong, pls

I’d like to take a minute and talk about Fuck Buddies.

There seems to be a double-standard about Fuck Buddy relationships between women and men.  Men tend to think that there is no POSSIBLE way a woman could want a sex-only relationship with a man, as women are all touchy-feely and require long talks, constant praise and will eventually demand a ring on it. 

Here’s the thing: women like sex. 

Some women want to be Fuck Buddies; no strings, no relationships, just good sex on a semi-regular basis.  That’s all.  If you find a sandwich shop that makes really great sandwiches, you’re going to want to go back there and get a sandwich once in a while.  You don’t need a whole meal; it’s just your lunch break!  You want a satisfying sandwich, maybe a cookie to go, and that’s it.  You’re not going to stick around ‘till dinner time and see what’s on the menu. 

Men are like sandwiches.  They’re yummy, and you don’t always want more until your next lunch break.

I’ve heard from other women (and, um, myself, whateverdontjudgeme) that FB relationships tend to be harder to maintain than Hollywood would have us believe.  If a woman shoots a guy a text saying “Let’s have sex!” his second thought (because his first thought is ‘SEX IS SO AWESOME’) is something akin to “Does this mean she wants a relationship because I don’t want a relationship and I thought I made that clear oh man why is this chick so crazy I need her to back off but I really want sex but maybe I should tell her that I’m not looking for something serious man bitches are nuts.”  The old stereotype of woman being emotional sleepers is still very prevalent and therefore, understandably, men are afraid to commit to a non-committal relationship.

A friend of mine hooked up with a guy a few weeks ago and sent him a polite “Thanks! Nice to meet you!” text.  He responded with an awkward Facebook message about how it was just a one-time thing and he wasn’t really looking for anything serious.  She was just trying to be nice.
I went on a few dates with a guy and we slept together.  I wasn’t really interested in anything more than that (besides, he was lousy in bed anyway and still lived at home so had to leave by 9pm so he didn’t break curfew), and when I told him as much he called me a “slutbag” (actual quote) and told me I was a whore.  If only I made money off him…
Guys tend to freak out if a woman doesn’t react the way he thinks she should react.  They say “I would love it if a woman pursued me!” but are disinterested when a woman asks them out because the element of the chase is gone.

If a woman DOES manage to land a FB relationship, 9 times out’ve 10 she is always the one getting called at 2am, whereas her 2am phone calls go ignored because he is busy/out/drunk/tired.  Listen men: Fuck Buddies go both ways!  It’s not sex whenever YOU want it, it’s whenever I want it too.  Mutual sexythings, k?

I think the brightest example of a great FB relationship was a friend of mine, K.  After having a string of bad FB relationships where her urges were being ignored, while his urges were answered whenever he wanted (which, by the way, makes a girl feel desperate and like she’s some needy slut…which she isn’t, she just wants some serious peen in her), she met a guy who she thought was cute and actually bad the balls to draft up a contract between them.  They agreed that for three months, they would be Fuck Buddies, equal in everything.  When he wanted sex, they’d have sex.  When she wanted sex, they’d have sex.  They could call each other easily and both agreed that if any ‘feelings’ came up, they could openly discuss it with no prejudice.  After their three month contract was up, they decided to extend it for another three months (I mean, why not? They were having fun!). Eventually one or the other got into a relationship and the two parted ways, happy and satisfied. 

Is it possible for some feelings to pop up during an FB relationship? Of course it is.  There’s usually more to it than “her tits are fantastic” that keeps people going back.  It’s easy to start liking someone because good sex involves chemistry on many different levels; your brain and body get this great boost of awesome when you’re doin’ it, so naturally you associate the do-ie (or do-er, as it were) with good feelings.  And hopefully they’re fun or something, so their personality isn’t total shit.

The thing is – THE THING IS – if you’re adult enough to have a FB relationship, you need to be adult enough, and self-aware enough, to realize these feelings when they pop up, and to address them when they do.  If you realize that you’ve been constantly thinking about the guy you’re fucking for the past three weeks, maybe it’s time to admit to yourself that you have a crush.  And maybe you should tell him.

As with any relationship, open communication is key.  Friendships and relationships fail when communication breaks down, and it’s the same with Fuck Buddies.  If someone is seriously crushing, they need to tell the person “Listen, I like you. IN THAT WAY. We either need to pursue this, or we need to end it. Because, for real, if we keep going on like this I’ll just fall in love and be all passive and jealous and shitty.”   And hey, it’s okay to crush!  No matter how hard we try to be tough and cool, we can’t help our feelings.

I guess the thing to keep in mind is this: Fuck Buddies can be awesome, so long as both people are in it for the same reasons.  Girls need to be strong and demand sexytimes whenever they want without feeling like they’re being smother-y, and guys need to realize that not all girls want 100% commitment; “I don’t want your 7 digits, I just want your 7 inches” so goes the song a friend and I made up walking drunk through the streets of New York.  Men and women can use each other for sexytimes and it doesn’t have to be a “thing”. 

Anyways.  Call me. No perverts, pls.

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One thought on “Five Dollar Footlong, pls

  1. I totally agree. There’s nothing worse than a guy making assumptions that you’re going to be clingy- when actually it’s quite the opposite. And yeah- any casual experiences I’ve had… it’s the guy calling me, showing up where I am- Coming by my neighbourhood even though he’s from another town! And it is tough to hold out just to give a chase, because yes, WOMEN LIKE SEX!

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