Tick Tock

So I had a dream last night that I had a baby.  The baby was big and had an adult head and was talking (like, the baby was 19 years old…but a baby) and I had to carry her and then she wanted to feed and I didn’t know how I was going to breastfeed, because she had teeth.  Then the baby threw a temper tantrum in a classic teenage style (whining and pouting) and then I woke up. 

I think there are a few things that led to this dream:
1- I’ve found a new website that I LOVE:  www.stfuparentsblog.com  A blog about dumb parents posting dumb things on Facebook about their offspring.  I’m all for “Little Johnny is so cute!” but “Here is Little Johnny’s first poo!” and “Check out the poo explosion that Little Johnny had!”…like, that’s just not cool.  Half the website is about poo.  Why would anyone post about their children’s poo?!  I don’t get it.  It’s an awesome website.

2 – That biological clock that I refused to believe existed has started ticking. 

I’m very conflicted about this internal clock.  It came out of nowhere and I went from never wanting kids, to SERIOUSLY THINKING ABOUT HAVING THEM.  Who am I?  What the hell is happening to me?  I’ve never really wanted kids.  Even when I was a little girl, I never dreamed about being a mommy, and as I got older I would loudly say that I was never interested in having kids (something many of my friends didn’t understand).  But now!  Now.  Now I see a baby and I think “I want to hold a baby on my chest and have it sleep on me and OMGBABIESARESOCUTE”.  Like what the fuck?!

I would be a terrible mother.  Swearing isn’t something I do for fun, it’s part of my every day vocabulary.  I drink often.  I made 2011 my Summer of Tequila and Bad Decisions, and so far I’ve stuck to it (though I still need to have reckless, amazing sex….so, boys?).  Last weekend I made myself a margarita at 11am “because it was hot”.  I like my alone time, I like my lazy time, I like watching half a season of a TV show on DVD in one sitting. 

I don’t put my clean laundry away as soon as it comes out of the dryer.  Sometimes I’m too lazy to cook so I order in enough Thai food to last me for three days.  I go braless often.  I hardly scoop the kitty litter in a timely manner.  I throw up when other people throw up, and having to deal with all that poo and pee and throw-up every single day?! I seriously wouldn’t be able to handle it. 

I guess what it boils down to is that I’m selfish.  I’m super, duper, very lazy and selfish.  Add to that the fact that I never want to bring a child into the world unless I have the money to, and that I grew up in a single-parent household so to me parenting is nothing but a struggle and means that your life is over…it just doesn’t make sense that this clock is tick-tocking it’s way into my brain.  Every logical part of me screams “NO BABIES PLS OKTHXBAI”, but then I see a baby and the logic turns off and the “aww” turns on.  It’s dumb.  Dumb dumb dumb.

I guess I don’t need to worry about this any time soon, but it’s definitely there.  Ticking.  Tocking.  Invading my dreams. 

Like, seriously.  If I’m having any dreams about someone touching my boobs, it should be someone hot.  Not a weird 19 year old baby.  C’mon brain. Work with me.  



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