Your Winter Fashion Choices Are Inappropriate

I’m going to start a blog called “Your Winter Fashion Choices Are Inappropriate”. 

I mean, really people.  We live in Canada.  If we lived in Brazil and BOOM one day Mother Nature decided to team up with Global Warming and dump 20cm of snow on us, then yes.  Look ridiculous when you go outside.  It’s to be expected!   You’re Brazilian and not used to snow!  But we don’t live in Brazil, guys.  We live in Canada where we get snow for six of the 12 months of the year.  Sometimes even longer, depending on where you live.

– Your coat should cover your kidneys.  At the very least I shouldn’t see your bellybutton.

– Stop wearing ballet flats with no socks.  You know what? Stop wearing ballet flats outside in general.  There’s snow on the ground.

– Don’t wear stupid boots that look like that cheap fake fur you got on sale at FabricLand. They look horrible when they get wet.  And they will get wet.

– If it’s cold enough to wear a winter jacket, it’s cold enough to wear tights or leggings under your skirt.  Your legs are turning BRIGHT RED when you leave them bare, ladies.  Since when are lobsterlegs cute?

– While we’re at it, stop wearing Uggs with short skirts.  In fact, stop wearing Uggs all together. Why anyone would spend $200 on a pair of shoes that get salt-stained and soaking wet after being outside for six minutes, I have no idea.  They may be comfortable, but they’re really not practical.  Plus: when they start getting old, you start walking on the side of them instead of the sole…like, come on. Let them go.

– Your coat should cover your kidneys.  At the very least I shouldn’t see your bellybutton.  I shouldn’t see man-button ever, unless it’s a “topless” situation.

– Have some winter accessories.  I’m not saying they have to match, but at least have a scarf, a hat and some mittens.  It was SooOOoooo cOoL not to wear stuff like this when you were a kid, but it’s not cool anymore.  It’s even less cool when you’re holding your red, bare hands over your ears to try and warm them up.  Idiot.

– Own a coat.  I swear to god the next boy I see just walking around in a sweatshirt like some asshole I’m going to drag to Honest Ed’s and buy them a cheap $10 coat.  Who the hell do you think you are?

Both Sexes:

– Gets some goddamn boots.  Jesus Christ, people.  Just get some boots!  I know Toronto doesn’t get a lot of snow, but when we DO get snow, it turns into slush almost instantly.  How many tiny girls have I seen squealing and trying to hop over small lakes at intersections?  How many men have I see in soaking wet sneakers?  Lots.  I’ve seen lots.

– Tuck your stupid pants into your stupid boots.  When you let your pants drag and they get wet all the way up to your knees, you look like a loser.  Then you have wet, salty calves for the rest of the day.  Don’t you care about your pants?  Don’t you care about your life?

– If you own a scarf (congratulations!) please ensure it covers your neck.  What the fuck is the point of a scarf if it’s just going to hang down around your chest and not do any good?  In the summer, scarves should be fashion.  In the winter, scarves should be survival.

Look, I’m a girl and I know what it’s like to want to look good.  If you’re going out to Da Club then a little skankiness and improper coverage is expected.  I’ll still think you’re absurd for wearing four-inch heels and/or no coat while you’re waiting in a 40-minute line on Richmond street, but whatever.  Skank away.  But for normal, everyday, “I’m on my way to the coffee shop” commuting?  Come ON.  People need to start realizing that we are supposed to cover up in the wintertime.  It’s the one time of the year that we can wear chunky sweaters and thick socks and let our leg hair grow long.  Stop making bad winter fashion choices, friends.  Stop being idiots.


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