Let’s talk about lettuce

Lettuce seems to be an ideal vegetable; it’s usually pretty cheap, a good filler, can be transported easily, and has good vitamins. It comes in a variety of…styles?(Ihaventhadmycoffeeyet) that suit many people’s tastes, and you can pick it up at any grocery store you go to. Lettuce is a staple of the shopping cart. We should all be buying lettuce.

I went grocery shopping on the weekend and decided to buy the biggest head of lettuce I could find. I was really excited about having salad all week, since the colour green has been lacking from my diet for a while now. I was pumped. I put my lettuce in a container and brought it to work. I washed it with care and laid it on a plate with a medley of vegetable friends to talk to. I took a bite.

I fucking hate lettuce.

Who the hell am I? What kind of asshole doesn’t like lettuce? Am I an 8 year old or, worse, have I picked up the habit of ‘ew I don’t eat vegetables even though I’m a grown man’ from one of my exes? Like…it’s lettuce. The most unoffensive vegetable on the planet. People would get behind lettuce before they’d get behind potatoes. I know people who don’t like potatoes, but I couldn’t tell you a single person who doesn’t like lettuce.

I mean, it’s not that I hate lettuce. I love lettuce on a burger, and when I go to restaurants I’ll often ask for a side salad instead of fries. I really do enjoy salad! Maybe it’s just my own salads that have got me totally disgusted. Either way, I should have learnt my lesson by now. For YEARS I have gone through this; I buy lettuce thinking ‘this will be the week I start enjoying salads I make at home!’, I get home, I sautee up prawns and carefully dice vegetables, I select the perfect dressing and put just the right amount on the feast I have created…then bam. It hits me on the first bite. I really don’t like lettuce. I eat everything around it, except for the lettuce. I try hiding the lettuce under piece of shrimp or chicken, but it’s still in there. My mouth is too smart for that elementary deception. I throw half the plate of soggy greens into the compost, then complain about being hungry two hours later. For years this has been the drill. I don’t know why I thought it would be different this week.

I’ve had success with spinach, though. I love spinach. I’ll make a big spinach salad and I’ll eat every last bite. I love spinach salads so much that I take photos of them. Next time I have a spinach salad, I’ll probably Vine about it. Me and spinach are good pals. Spinach never disappoints.

So why do I keep going for lettuce instead of spinach?

BECAUSE SPINACH IS GENERALLY 80 CENTS MORE EXPENSIVE.

How much of a cheap bitch can you be?! Like, really Jenny, it’s 80 cents and the difference is “you eat it and have a healthy diet” or “you let a bag of lettuce rot in your fridge and throw it out saying you were too busy to cook”. For fuck’s sake. Five dollars on ice cream? Yeah, no problem! $2.00 on spinach? UM, SLOW DOWN THERE BUDDY WHAT IS THIS, NEW ZEALAND???*

I’m such a moron.

Let it be known that from this day forward, I will not buy lettuce again, unless for a specific meal like tacos or burgers or one of those dishes where you wrap food in lettuce instead of bread. I will not be tricked by media into thinking that I need a big head of lettuce in my grocery basket in order to live a healthy life! I will tell my roommate to eat as much of my lettuce as he wants because he’s a normal human being with a normal palate who doesn’t mind the taste of lettuce! I will break free of these leafy chains!

Goodbye lettuce. I’ll miss the idea of you.

 

*For those who don’t know, New Zealand produce is insanely expensive. Like, it was $5 for a head of shitty iceberg. Don’t even get me started on tomatoes.

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